just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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