omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
