cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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