Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
