I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dear god my vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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