One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
