WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
