As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
