What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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