I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
