dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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