i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
