I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
