May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
