I think my vagina is haunted
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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