I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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