You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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