I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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