i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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