I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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