Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
