Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
