a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
