It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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