My Higher Power is John Stamos
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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