If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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