My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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