i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
