No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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