New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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