BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
