My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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