You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
