Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
