I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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