i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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