we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
