Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
