Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
