Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
