if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
