You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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