You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
