Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
