She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
