fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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