After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
