I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
