you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
