My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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